


Catkuzu

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Series: The Akatsuki As Cats [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Dark Humor, Gen, Hidan (Naruto) Swears, Hidan is a good cat owner, Kakuzu is a cat, M/M, Mention of Animal Death, Sasori needs professional help, animal hoarding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 10:43:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14187171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Hidan has been talked into adopting a cat, and it seems to hate him.





	Catkuzu

**Author's Note:**

> On tumblr thatshipcat asked: Can you do another cat fic but this time Kakuzu is one of THOSE cats that wants attention but will claw your hand off if you pet them???  
> And this is what I wrote.

Kakuzu walked between Hidan’s legs, and then in circles around him, meowing the entire time to try to get some attention. Hidan did his best to ignore his new cat, he almost had to get stitches because of that animal and was still bleeding through the bandaids on his hand from the day before.

“I swear to Jashin you’re trying to fucking kill me.” Hidan told it as he stepped over the cat to avoid being tripped, again.

He had recently been talked into getting a cat by Deidara, who insisted it would bring joy to his life and be good for him, ‘People with pets live longer, hm,’ he had said, but it turned out he had finally gotten his boyfriend, Sasori, to give up his hoard of cats and finally seek professional help by promising that their friends would all adopt at least one cat so they could still visit at least some of them.

Hidan found that out when he got a message from Sasori asking which cat he had adopted and then asked when he would be home because he was coming to visit as soon as possible.

In the kitchen, Hidan was fixing himself something to eat for breakfast when Kakuzu jumped on the counter, purring loudly and practically begging for some attention with big green eyes.

“Don’t you dare fucking bite me again…” Hidan muttered as he reached out and scratched the cat behind the ears, Kakuzu purred louder and rubbed his head against Hidan’s hand, so Hidan took this as a good sign and started to scratch under his chin. That was when Kakuzu suddenly attacked Hidan with his front claws, digging them deep into his hand and biting down, drawing blood.

 

“Ow, you stupid fucking cat! Why did I listen to that dumbass, Deidara?!”  
Kakuzu leapt down off the counter and ran out of the kitchen.

 

That night Hidan woke up to having his feet attacked through the blanket, and when he tried to push the cat off the bed, Kakuzu growled and tried to attack his hands. Giving up, Hidan tucked his feet up and away from the cat and fell back asleep.

He was woken the next morning by being walked on and the cat kneading his stomach, complete with claws. Hidan was not amused and tried to pick him up to move him away so he could get ready for work but Kakuzu hissed and growled, then returned to purring when Hidan stopped trying to remove him. He was late for work and had to tell his boss why, which no one believed and he was given a warning that he would be fired the next time his ‘cat’ made him late. 

 

Deidara and Sasori came to visit that evening, but not to see Hidan, oh no, of course not, they came to visit his cat that clearly did not want visitors because as soon as he heard Sasori’s voice, Kakuzu ran off to hide somewhere. 

“You are taking care of him properly, aren’t you?” Sasori wanted to know, looking around, “Seems clean enough in here…What kind of food are you feeding him? Do you actually clean the litter box? And you don’t need to bathe him he can-”

“I feed him fucking cat food, and no, I refuse to clean that nasty cat box, so I got one of those automatic cleaning ones. Fucking freaked me out when I first heard it after Kakuzu took a shit in it, freaked him out, too, should have seen him puff himself all up!” 

Sasori did not look very happy and Hidan rolled his eyes, “Don’t worry, your pussy is safe with me.”

“You’re always so crude, Hidan, no wonder you have no friends.” Sasori sighed, “I want to see my cat.”

“Your cat? Oh, no, no, no,” Hidan actually waved his index finger back and forth in front of Sasori’s face, “Kakuzu is my cat now, you animal hoarding ginger freak.”

Sasori ignored him and started wandering around the apartment.

“What’s he doing?” Hidan demanded, “Hey, you can’t just walk around like that, this is my house, not yours!”

“Oh, just let him look for the cat…” Deidara sighed, “We’ve been to see Kisame and Konan, now here…Next we’re going to Obito’s…”

“Is he really going and visiting everyone just to see their cats?” Hidan asked.

Deidara nodded.

“Why not take him to a therapist instead?”

“He goes once a week.”

It was then that Sasori found the cat in Hidan’s bedroom, they heard him talking to it, “Oh, Kakuzu, there you are, come here, kitty, don’t you remember me? I’m Sasori.”

Deidara and Hidan follwed him in and Hidan tried to warn him, “Um, Sasori, that cat really doesn’t like to be held…”

Sasori wasn’t listening and reached down to pick Kakuzu up only to get a face full of claws.

“Oww! Kakuzu! How could you?!” Sasori’s face had bloody scratches down one cheek. 

Hidan tried not to laugh, but failed, he was so glad the cat hated Sasori, too, but surprisingly, Kakuzu walked over to Hidan and wrapped his tail around his ankle before walking away and Hidan took that to mean the cat hated him less than he hated Sasori. 

Sasori looked like he was going to cry, “Why did he do that to me? I loved and cared for him…he was one of my favorites…”

Deidara gave him a look, “Sasori, my man, this is the same cat that shit all over our clothes in the closet!!” Deidara shouted, “I had to throw out several of my favorite shirts!”

“You could have just washed them like a normal person. You did not have to throw them away the way you made me throw away all my beloved cats.” Sasori told him.

Deidara made a face, started to say something and stopped, started to say something again and stopped and sounded like he was choking, then, finally able to get words out, “It was absolutely disgusting!! I will not put clothes smeared with cat shit into the washing machine!”

Hidan laughed, “Oh, so he did that to you, too? He did that the first night he was here, I was about to take him back after that, thought he hated me or some shit.”

Deidara wasn’t done yelling at Sasori yet, “And?! Beloved cats?! There were so many of them, they were always trying to escape! I’m sure one committed suicide, hmm!”

Sasori looked highly offended, “It did not! It was sleeping when that hawk swooped down and carried it off!”

“It was not, I watched as it laid down and let itself be carried away, hm!”

“Stop saying that, you brat!” He was wiping the blood from his cheek but mostly just smearing it around so Deidara pulled him into the bathroom so he could wash and disinfect the scratches and then Sasori announced they were leaving, “I know Zetsu will want to see me again and not try to claw my eyes out.” Sasori sniffed.

“Oh god, not Zetsu… I hope Obito didn’t have any other cats. We had to give him his own room! You know what he did, Sasori, you know! That cat is not normal!” Deidara turned to give a pleading look to Hidan and mouthed, ’Help me, please.’ 

“No way, you’re the one dating him, I’m not getting involved any more than I already am with having to get one of his crazy cats.” 

That night Hidan woke up to feel something pressed against his back while he was sleeping on his side. He turned over enough to see that it was Kakuzu, who opened one eye and flicked his tail a few times. Hidan was tempted to try to pet him, and as he reached his hand towards the cat, Kakuzu seemed to let him, and Hidan gently pet him until Kakuzu gave a low growl, so Hidan pulled his hand back, not wanting to add to the scratches.

“Whatever, it’s not like I wanted to pet you anyways…” Hidan turned back onto his side and started to fall asleep only to feel Kakuzu start kneading his back, with his claws, while purring.


End file.
